Door-to-Door Salesmen

Door-to-door salespeople are an interesting breed. They seem to have a certain skill set that is very disarming. What they have in common:

• They start with a familiar knock or ringing of the doorbell. The kind that your sister would do to announce she's coming in anyway. So you answer it.
• They are looking away from the door when you answer it, wait a full 5 seconds, then act surprised when they see you. Did they forget who rang the doorbell or knocked on the door?
  
• They greet you like an intimate friend or relative. I've been called Mom, Beautiful, Enchantress, and HRH (Her Royal Highness). Actually, that last one I made up. I'm trying to train the kids to call me that. It hasn't taken as well as you'd think.
• They give a vague underdog story; black kid from the inner city, poor boy trying to raise money for a non-existent school program, black, single, and six kids, Isreali art student, and today's humdinger - poor Eastern European country.
• They are self-deprecating about what makes them the underdog. "See, I can spray this cleaner on my skin and watch what happens." He sprays it on his black skin. "Nothing! It's colorfast!"
• They play down that they are trying to sell something. Their REAL goal is to introduce an educational program to every mom in this neighborhood, or let every mom experience this magic cleaner, or give every mom the opportunity to enjoy excellent publications by a magazine company at an amazing price of 4 x retail value.
  
• They are always selling the following merchandise: magazine subscriptions, magic cleaner, books.
  
• When you tell them you have absolutely no interest whatsoever, they pull out their clipboard with names of people they have "sold" merchandise to. They are usually names you know. They rarely show you a check, though.
• If you are really not feeling in the mood, they continue talking and you either have to close the door on them (I'm not good at this), or wear them down by saying no 47 more times.
• When you are finally closing the door, they quickly pull out another clipboard and insist, again, they have to contact every household in this neighborhood (sometimes using the name of the church congregation which they know nothing about) and ask for your name. They also have a crude map drawn and ask for your help with identifying families on your street. This gives them the arsenal to go to Mrs. Smith's house, call her by her first name and explain that I referred her to this salesperson.
• After giving out this information, you are finally free. What the salespeople don't know is that I have given bogus information. My name is not Cassidy. Nobody on my street is retired, as I have claimed. Every house boasts between 2 and 6 children. I do know every name of every household in my subdivision. I know the names and ages of each of them, as well. I lie.
• When the interaction is finally over, I close the door, swat all the flies that have come in, and swear I will use my peep hole better next time.

Don't get me wrong. I have fallen victim more than once. Those sneaky girl scouts always trick me into buying 10-20 boxes of cookies every February. How can you tell a little girl selling disgusting coconut/caramel/chocolate cookies no? You can't. It's a fact of life. Accept it. And please explain to my husband it really IS altruistic. I am helping a cause.

The children in my church congregation know I am a sucker who will always buy their cookie dough, and sponsor them for any school or extra-curricular activity.

Besides the children I know and the girl scouts I don't know, I have come up with a plan for handling door-to-door salesman. It takes some planning and I really do believe it will be effective to get the door-to-door salesman to run like the wind away from your house.

Try keeping a camera by your door at all times. Look through the peek hole. If it is someone you don't know, swing the door open, point and click, making sure the flash is on, then slam the door closed. What are they going to do? They know they don't have a soliciting license from the city. They run like a bat out of Hades.

*Photos coming. Aren't you just fidgeting in your seat to see the expressions? Please feel free to post your own pictures of door-to-door salesmen/women caught off-guard by the blinding flash and realizing you've got them on your memory card. Leave a comment in on my site. I'll put a link in my blog.

It is truly sad how easily amused I am.