She sat across from me with the green formica spanning the distance. She was a mother nearing fifty, dressed in casual clothes like the hundreds of mothers I'd talked to since school started but something intangible told me to pay attention. I was going to learn something.
She told me the story of how her daughter chose an alternative path thus at an alternative high school but primarily at a private school. She did not speak with shame or remorse but with sadness and determination. The target of ugly gossip was her ruin.
I recalled out loud of being ruined by gossip and coming out the other end of the experience angry, bitter, and pessimistic. "In the end all was made whole - plus some," I shared, "except my heart." I heard myself say the last part as if I was a casual observer rather than the first person.
I carried the conversation as I drove home, "except my heart," ringing in my ears. If all had been made whole, why was my heart resisting? It was damaged, rent and disappointed. So much had transpired and over such a long period of time, I felt my very soul had been changed. Yet why couldn't I allow my heart to heal with so many blessings surrounding me?
Because it no longer fits your soul. Give me your old heart. I will give you a new heart.
It was barely a whisper of feeling but resonated throughout my soul.
Damaged as it is, my old heart is so comfortable. Like my ratty old sweatshirt, it wraps around me and it feels familiar. But it's ugly, faded, stretched out, shrunk, and far past its prime. If I throw it out, how will I know I will find another one?
Because I promised I would give it to you if you asked.
I know it will be so much better, bigger, stronger and capable but I hang onto the comfort of bitterness, criticism, and anger. But I know that sooner or later I will ask.
And I will receive.
Just beautiful!
ReplyDeleteYou are The Wonderful.
ReplyDeleteWow, Nancy. Thank you for sharing this.
ReplyDeleteGreat post!
ReplyDeleteI often wonder why it's so hard and scary, but I feel and know the same things in my own way.
ReplyDeleteKnowing when to give up that familiar, albeit negative, experience is always hard. Even the bad stuff has helped shape you into who you are...and you are wonderful.
ReplyDeleteThis is so totally awesome.
ReplyDeletehmmmm.. comment worthy. and you know that's a big thing for me.
ReplyDeletehasn't someone around her mentioned someone else might want to write something like a book or something?
So cool He's not pushy either :}
ReplyDeleteGuess I'm a little confused. I remember reading your post about how it's okay to gossip as long as it ends with "bless his/her heart." But then this post makes it seem that you really know all too well how hurtful gossip is (even if people are good intentioned with sharing information). I am not sure if you ever read the link I left on your other post ( http://bit.ly/dbBpf ). But this is a part that might be meaningful:
ReplyDeleteA major problem with gossip—even “true” gossip—is that usually only words and actions are reported. Motives, extenuating circumstances, and later repentance or correction frequently go unmentioned. When motives are included in the tale, they generally are guessed at. And there is a common human tendency to attribute to other people motives which will justify our feelings toward those people. If the tale bearer is sympathetic toward the subject, the attributed motives are pure. If there is no sympathy, base motives get the credit.
Of course we should show concern for one another. And there is a place for exchanges of information. But we ought to be cautious; we ought to examine our motives and think carefully before we speak. Once something is made public, it cannot be recalled. And when information is wrongfully used, deep harm can be done to individuals and institutions. So much strife and discontent can be avoided when we learn to keep confidences. “Where no wood is, there the fire goeth out: so where there is no talebearer, the strife ceaseth.” (Prov. 26:20.)
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I think the heart change will come. There were a lot of great GC talks on the subject. The weird thing is that the heart change is like a multi-organ transplant. For example, your eyes see more clearly and you can understand others better with a new heart. It's hard to be angry when we see others through His eyes. Anyway, too long. But just thought I'd leave some words of encouragement.
Dear Plaid Mom Commenter: What a wildly inappropriate time and place to lecture someone -- on their own blog! I'm sorry, I had to say something. Rarely does Nancy expose such an unprotected and poignant piece of herself without the armor of humor. I was deeply touched and it has stayed with me.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Nancy, for acknowledging your very soul and prompting me to acknowledge mine.
Nanner-ha - I love reading your blogs and i'm glad you blog often. your thoughts are so real and you bring humor to every day life. I have wondered too, why you don't collect your thoughts into a book or at least a newspaper column. you have a way of bringing out things that we all see but don't really notice. This was wonderful and reminded me of moments i've had like it. a real faith builder!
ReplyDelete