Going through old files from graduate school, I found an invaluable pamphlet.
Be a Dedicated Neurotic
Remember the Past. . . and Regret it.
Abhor the Present.
Dread the Future.
Remember the Past. . . and Regret it.
Abhor the Present.
Dread the Future.
1. Become preoccupied with the body, and make a long list of symptoms. Make them sound very clinical and professional...
2. BLAME your boss, your spouse, your partner, your neighbor, your kid. THEY are responsible for your miseries.
3. Feel trapped. You couldn't possibly declare your own independence without hurting someone's feelings.
4. Overeat. Rationalize and eat! Eat an insulated wall around yourself. Diet for a few days and say it doesn't work for you.
5. Self-pity. No matter what, feel sorry for yourself. Agonize over things about which no one cares.
6. Don't ever try. That way nobody can really accuse you of failure. You can always say, "But I could have done it."
7. Stress how shy you are. Insist that the world must come to you. You're special.
8. Your aggression is now sanctioned by the best authorities; Menninger, English, Cantor, and a host of others.
9. Never listen to anyone. Kiss off all valid advice. When you need anyone's opinion, you'll ask for it. Escape into negativism.
10. Never forgive. Look for the mistakes of others. If you can't find enough, manufacture some.
11. Hyper-acidity is popular for immediate attention. Nothing is better! Develop your own set of symptoms and worries - into an ulcer. Cheerfully explain that half a gut is better than none.
12. Nobody has the same reasons for drinking/ingesting chemicals that you have. Your motivations are UNIQUE. Escape in liquor.
13. Never be satisfied. Tell yourself you can always do better...and better...and better. Apologize for everything, no matter how well done it is. Keep knocking yourself out. You HAVE to work yourself to death to be worthy of being loved.
14. Be a martyr. Sigh a lot. Martyrs must always sigh because of their suffering. Everyone takes advantage of you, so elicit sympathy.
There it is! Print it out, laminate it and memorize each step. Neurosis is an art. The best neurotics have been honing their skills for years.
Or give up now and never try. You'll never be a good enough neurotic. Feel free to blame others for your own neurotic shortcomings in the comments section.
2. BLAME your boss, your spouse, your partner, your neighbor, your kid. THEY are responsible for your miseries.
3. Feel trapped. You couldn't possibly declare your own independence without hurting someone's feelings.
4. Overeat. Rationalize and eat! Eat an insulated wall around yourself. Diet for a few days and say it doesn't work for you.
5. Self-pity. No matter what, feel sorry for yourself. Agonize over things about which no one cares.
6. Don't ever try. That way nobody can really accuse you of failure. You can always say, "But I could have done it."
7. Stress how shy you are. Insist that the world must come to you. You're special.
8. Your aggression is now sanctioned by the best authorities; Menninger, English, Cantor, and a host of others.
9. Never listen to anyone. Kiss off all valid advice. When you need anyone's opinion, you'll ask for it. Escape into negativism.
10. Never forgive. Look for the mistakes of others. If you can't find enough, manufacture some.
11. Hyper-acidity is popular for immediate attention. Nothing is better! Develop your own set of symptoms and worries - into an ulcer. Cheerfully explain that half a gut is better than none.
12. Nobody has the same reasons for drinking/ingesting chemicals that you have. Your motivations are UNIQUE. Escape in liquor.
13. Never be satisfied. Tell yourself you can always do better...and better...and better. Apologize for everything, no matter how well done it is. Keep knocking yourself out. You HAVE to work yourself to death to be worthy of being loved.
14. Be a martyr. Sigh a lot. Martyrs must always sigh because of their suffering. Everyone takes advantage of you, so elicit sympathy.
There it is! Print it out, laminate it and memorize each step. Neurosis is an art. The best neurotics have been honing their skills for years.
Or give up now and never try. You'll never be a good enough neurotic. Feel free to blame others for your own neurotic shortcomings in the comments section.
Hahaha- that last paragraph is a riot! I think I know a few people who fit the definition.
ReplyDeleteAwesome...I'm an absolute failure at being neurotic, sigh. ;)
ReplyDeleteI definitely have the overeating one down pat.
ReplyDeleteThank you for typing out a list of my most glorious attributes.
ReplyDeleteIs it wrong that I want to send this list out with my holiday cards this year? (Just to the family...)
Nice! I now think I'm borderline Neurotic.. Number 6 proves it :) Wait, maybe I'm not neurotic, maybe I'm just lazy.
ReplyDeleteOh I am so distressed! I now know exactly what my diagnosis is. Poor me!
ReplyDeleteI didn't know you could get a graduate degree in neuroticism. I'll have to check into that.
ReplyDeleteWow, I am pretty skilled at that list!
ReplyDeleteHow many do you have to have to make it official? What if you only have one or two? Am I sounding neurotic?
ReplyDeleteMay I print this out and wring my hands, sure that I'm not doing enough to fulfill this list?
ReplyDeleteGreat post!
I love the idea about the Christmas cards-alas it is too long for a t-shirt..Perhaps a bulletin insert at church?
ReplyDelete