Why I Lack a Toned Hard Body

Our family has a yearly pass at the Rec. Center. I can go lift weights, walk or run the track, use any of the aerobic machines or take a class at any time. It also has a pool. I can swim laps or take the kids swimming which I have done exactly twice this year. Because I'm just so darn cute in my Speedo swimming suit and Mom shorts. I'm also extremely adverse to clorinated pee water. Or any pee water.

Scott uses the gym regularly. Of course he does. He also doesn't remember high school gym classes. My memory is stunningly (and kind of creepily) sharp and accurate. Here are the categories in the ladies department:

1. The freakin' beauty queen who can attempt any sport and do well without breaking a sweat. She also never loses the perfect hair no matter how hot and sweaty she is supposed to get.

These are today's aerobic and Zumba instructors. While I am redfaced and wearing cut off sweats with a free conference t-shirt, she is color coordinated. While jumping around spastically and impossibly, she is also smiling at herself in the mirror and shaking her hair to fall just so. She is also yelling encouraging words to the back row (where I would be) and never tiring. I hate her.

2. The more serious type girl who concentrates really, really hard and finds success in phys. ed. because of her amazing focus. She is not there to have a good time. No time for chit chat. She is going to get an A no matter what. She is also on the yearbook committee, Future Business Owners of America, and in every AP class offered.

This girl grows up to be a C.E.O. or a Nazi Mom. She ran me over while playing softball. I already know to keep out of her way. She yells a lot.

3. The girl who can passably catch a ball, throw a ball, hit a badminton birdie, set, bunt and spike a volleyball and get the basketball through the hoop at least 30% of the time. She's more social and good to have on your team. You'll have a good time but not look like a total dork because she'll pick up some of your slack.

These are women that survive in any setting. They adapt. They can hold their own. They're the ladies up the street.

4. The total dork is usually a little on the tall side and never quite adjusts to the sudden growth spurt. Worse, they are overweight and are able to get their enabling mothers to write a note excusing them from activity because they are having a period three weeks out of every month. The ones with mean moms find themselves tripping on the rubberized track and scraping their knees, get hit by their partner's racquets on a racquetball court, are run over in softball (particularly embarrassing when it's a teammate overtaking you on the bases), never make a basket and can bench press 40 lbs. on a good day. They also can't quite coordinate their arms and legs to do the aerobics routine and they certainly can't smile while attempting to do an aerobics routine.

These women grow up to be school counselors and mediocre mothers who NEVER write an excuse for their own daughters' gym classes. It's a rite of passage, people! I mean, if you are in this category, you might have that kind of attitude.

5. The stoners never show up for class. They are in the parking lot getting stoned.

They grow up to be... honestly, I don't know. I don't even know who they were in high school. They never bothered to show up for the humiliation of high school gym.

Keep these categories in mind the next time you show up to the gym. The grown-up gym. Although I have no empirical evidence, I feel confident that there will be an overabundance of the first three categories. Category #4 will show up once every couple of years. I've heard. Not that I'd know from experience. All I know is that I have exercise tapes and DVDs that I can, theoretically, access at any time. Someday I will. Someday I will be buff enough to show up at the gym.

Which one are you?