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I am Sad.

I wrote this a year ago in August. It still applies.

How are you? I am sad. Is that okay with you? Apparently, it is not okay with most people. They ask me how I am. I just put my boy into the MTC where he will be for 7 weeks then shipped off to a foreign country I know nothing about except there is a huge Typhoon there right now wreaking havoc. They don’t know that I know that all the missionaries were relocated if they were in the path and they are all hunkered down with fresh water and food. But I miss him. 

Additionally, I am remembering my mother’s last week and her subsequent death a year ago on Thursday. I miss her. It’s a special kind of sadness. It fills a hole where my mother occupied. Recognizing her absence and honoring my sadness honors her and me. 

How are you, they ask.

I’m sad. 

But it’s a happy sad, right?
But the time will fly!
At least he went on a mission.
Bitter sweet, right?
But where else would you want him?
But it’s such a blessing to have a missionary!
He’s going to have so many wonderful experiences!
He goes as a boy and comes home a man.
At least...
But...
What you need...

All I said was I-am-sad. Nobody asked why I’m sad. Sadness is an emotion. There is no right or wrong. People added clarifiers or tried to reason my sadness away. Would they do the same if I answered that I am happy? My sadness is comfortable for me right now. It is a companion that suits me right now. I love my son. I miss him. I love my mom. I miss her.

Every single clarifier added to my emotion irked me more and more. My three word sentence was complete. It had a noun, a verb, and an adjective. Above all, it had a period at the end. I am not asking for preferential treatment that would impose on others. I am also happy at times, grateful, joyful, irritated, exasperated, exuberant, etc. none of those emotions equates to broken or wrong. No amount of reframing or positive thinking changes that there are people I love very much that can’t be with me right now. I miss them and I’m okay with that. Why are people so uncomfortable with all emotions except happy? I am happy, too. But not all the damn time. 

I enjoyed Sacrament Meeting very much. It was after the meeting that my irritation and frustration grew. 

It is not a happy sad.
The time does not fly. This is not my first rodeo.
Yes, he went on a mission and I’m glad he’s doing what he wants to do. So.
Bitter sweet? No. Just sad.
I want him wherever is best for him and where he wants to be. 
I really don’t remember extra blessings when Alyssa went on her mission.
Wonderful experiences? So you’ve been to the Philippines? Then how do you know?
I’m going to miss him turning into a man? Damnit!

I never made it to Relief Society. I just couldn’t go through any more invalidating. When did mourn with those who mourn change to torment?

So excuse me if I am quietly crying. I will try to not trouble you with my reaction to being a person who knows how to love someone enough to miss them when they are gone. 

I pity those that reject grief. It goes hand in hand with love.

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