A Musing Mother 6

It's been nearly four years so I figured it was time for my annual *cough* mammogram.  I was greeted by perky Tricia-I'll-be-helping-you-today in her pink scrubs. She led me to a barely curtained corner and instructed me to strip from the top up and handed me a thin cotton covering that will open in the front. "Shouldn't you offer to buy me a drink, first?" I asked. But she'd already left. Once scantily clad, Tricia-I'll-be-helping-you-today sat me down on a cold, hard chair and verified basic information. Yes, my mother has had breast cancer. Yes, that is my name and birthdate. When she asked if I'd had any surgery on my breasts, I could only pull the thin cotton covering tightly across my chest and look at them sadly. "If I have, I'd never recommend the plastic surgeon." She had the grace to giggle nervously then verify, "So have you?" Led to a room with a painful looking contraption, Tricia excitedly told me that the new tech...

After a long silence of driving my 11 year old made the discovery of the year. "Did you know that "park" spelled backwards is "krap"?

While the masses of Utah school children headed south to Disneyland, the Taylor household went north. This is the way a 6 year old spells Yellowstone with Quirkle tiles. That's Yelosdon.  I don't mind admitting it's a little tourist-y but not so much in October. Like I said, the masses were at Disneyland.  While we were making our children stick their heads into cut-out animal murals. But wait. There's more. A petting zoo where, for the price of a quarter, you could buy pellets of food (I hope that's what it was) and be mauled by previously assumed wildlife. After a good mauling, there is a drive through the "wild animal" sanctuary. This is where our first leg consisted of bison, deer, elk, and a few goats. I will spare you the pictures of the elk butts for another day and in a more natural atmosphere. For now, I will introduce you to Billy The ever-so-helpful "park ranger," as designated by her bright red sweatshirt, informed me that one of the ...

My parenting skills and style leave nothing to be desired. Unless you have a conscience and high standards, that is. But whatever. My kids really wanted to go to the corn maze which sounds quite harmless except that what companies have done to corn mazes is what commercialism has done to Christmas. I knew it would be an exhausting endeavor. Still, I found a deal, dug up coupons and realized I really needed an extra 5 or 6 year old for babysitting purposes. I called my sister and begged her to give up her son to me on a Saturday afternoon. Done. So with the kids in the van I drove over to pick up the cousin who, unfortunately, had just had a fight with his brother and was sulking. He didn't want to go. That simply was not an option. I needed him, sulking and all. His dad tried to brush me off. Fortunately, his mother, my sister, shares my parenting style and she drove up just in time. She picked up her son, pushed him into the van, closed the door and I locked it and drove away. Bec...

My husband is great guy but my boyfriend has characteristics that he does not. Not that I'm comparing or anything (maybe a little) but my perfect boyfriend: Reaches out to me while he's sleeping. He pets my hair and smiles. In his semiconscious state, leans over and kisses me. He tells me that he loves me. He expects nothing in return. He is communicative. He tells me absolutely everything. When he has a secret he will tell me anyway. Because he loves me too much to keep a secret from me.  He doesn't have discerning tastes. He'll eat a bowl of cereal for all three meals a day if I don't make him anything else. He tells me I'm pretty every day. And he really believes it. He spontaneously and joyfully jumps up suddenly to give me a hug. Multiple times a day. He wants to spend every moment of every day with me. No part of his heart doesn't belong to me. He loves everybody. Even though I'm his favorite. I can share. Given, there are a couple of characteristi...

Did anybody else notice this girl's sister in the background over her left shoulder? My dad also pointed out to me that, in solidarity with my mother, and in anticipation of the negative effects of chemotherapy, he started shaving his head. Sadly, nobody has even noticed. Sorry, Dad.

I know I have four children but I haven't seen my 16 year old in a very long time. With band competition season in full swing, she is busier than I ever imagined. Saturday she had a competition then went to someone's house where she hung out with her friends. Scott had gone through his bedtime routine and was about to go to sleep when a tall and lanky teenager graced our bedroom door. "What is that?" I asked. "It's our daughter," Scott answered. She smiled at us and vaulted over the footboard, landing between us on our bed. Scott closed his eyes and played possum. The tall, beautiful 16 year old went into the detailed particulars of the competition and what everybody said until Scott announced it was time for bed and let's say a family prayer. For some reason this cracked us girls up and I sat up laughing which caused me to have a full glottal snort. This then only made us laugh harder. "How many boys did you kiss tonight," Scott asked. She...

Our family has a yearly pass at the Rec. Center. I can go lift weights, walk or run the track, use any of the aerobic machines or take a class at any time. It also has a pool. I can swim laps or take the kids swimming which I have done exactly twice this year. Because I'm just so darn cute in my Speedo swimming suit and Mom shorts. I'm also extremely adverse to clorinated pee water. Or any pee water. Scott uses the gym regularly. Of course he does. He also doesn't remember high school gym classes. My memory is stunningly (and kind of creepily) sharp and accurate. Here are the categories in the ladies department: 1. The freakin' beauty queen who can attempt any sport and do well without breaking a sweat. She also never loses the perfect hair no matter how hot and sweaty she is supposed to get. These are today's aerobic and Zumba instructors. While I am redfaced and wearing cut off sweats with a free conference t-shirt, she is color coordinated. While jumping around ...

It is 4:18 in the afternoon. For 45 minutes I had peace. The house was quiet. Yes, the pile of clean laundry cried to me but I ignored it. I then went for a doctor's appointment and came home shortly after some of my children trickled in. But at this very moment, there are no less than 12 children wandering around my house, looking in cupboards and my refrigerator. I'm fairly certain someone will end up in my underwear drawer. I'm not even certain I know who all the children are. One of my children planned a scavenger hunt without my knowledge. Now I know. Thanks for the heads-up, Kiddo. I have also been on the phone nearly constantly. Try being on the phone and answering questions by your own children, yelling at someone else's child to stop playing the piano, asking what is going on. It surprises me I haven't blown a gasket. I'm surprised I'm sitting here so calmly typing this while other people's children wander around me. Scott called. How is my day?...