A Musing Mother 6

I'm a fainter. It's undignified but have a strong vasovagal response. It tends to kick in suddenly and without much encouragement on my part. My first episode occurred at the age of 23. I was coaching a church basketball game and Gina Poulsen made a beautiful lay-up. I jumped to my feet and screamed something intelligible, I'm sure. Then I felt it coming on. I sat down, turned to one of my players, told her I was passing out, and put my head between my knees because that's what I've always been told to do. For the record, that's an asinine thing to do. I fainted. I hit my head on the hardwood and got myself a concussion which exacerbated the episode since I was already surrounded by highly emotionally charged teenage girls. I was OUT. The paramedics were called, the game came to a stand still where the girls, in tears and hysterics (both teams - teenage girls, remember?) united to pray for the coach who was clearly in the throes of death. Meanwhile, my ...

The sunflowers are definitely the crowning glory of the garden this year. It amazes me, actually. Out of dirt grew something I planted and it's 12 ft. high and has the circumference of a tree. I want to take credit for having such an amazing sunflower garden. In fact, if the Roma tomatoes turn red at the same time and I am busy canning, I want to take credit for that, too. The truth is that I bought the sunflower seeds on a whim. I saw them and thought they'd be fun for the kids to watch grow. I planted them and left them alone. I let the sprinklers water them and planted them in the sun. When the bugs got really bad, I sprayed them a little bit when I was spraying the vegetables. That's it. And now I am deemed the Sunflower Queen. So that started me thinking about how kids turn out. If I hover over them and try to control every little thing they do, will it really do any good? If I don't worry about the small stuff and they don't turn in their homework...

I found the perfect tool for Zen in my life. It came in the form of an easy-to-read-with-step-by-step-picture book and a DVD called "15 Minute Yoga." Really, who doesn't have 15 minutes for necessary stuff like going to the bathroom, doing another load of laundry, loading or unloading the dishwasher, cleaning up another scrape from a bike crash, etc. Certainly I could find 15 minutes to do yoga. You can see where this is going, can't you? One child asleep on the floor, one downstairs practicing the trumpet and two watching T.V. downstairs. Dinner had to be served early because we had plans so my rolls were rising, the steak was cooking on the grill and the beans were steaming. Bad planning? Perhaps, but I still had 40 minutes before dinner. I pushed PLAY. Deep breathing, some weird stance, breathing again, checking the steak, running downstairs because someone is crying, another quick stance with head upside down, breathing in and concentrating on my diaphragm, t...

"Mom!" my four year old yelled at me as he ran excitedly upstairs, "There's a movie on downstairs and I gotta show it to you really quick!" I had just comfortably seated myself at the clean table, eaten the non-creamy half of an Oreo cookie, and was poised to enjoy the best part when my son insistently pulled on my hand over and over again. "C'mon, Mom! I want you to see this movie downstairs really quick!" He was so insistent and doggedly persistent, I knew I wouldn't be able to just sit and enjoy my little slice of heaven. Lo and behold, he saw my creamy sided Oreo, grabbed it and ran. Should I be happy I can still sit and enjoy my reprieve or should I grieve because I just lost the best part of my slice of heaven?

Last year I opened a new credit card account that gave cash back rewards. I used it for everything; gas (which gave loads back due to the price of gas this year), groceries, Christmas shopping, etc. I got the check this week for $288. With great anticipation, I saw all the toilet paper, bread, cheese, plastic bags, chicken, toothbrushes and toothpaste it could buy. I immediately took it to my favorite buy-it-in-bulk store, Costco, and with wild abandon filled my cart to overflowing. With $100 left over, I found the best food sale in town and bought more cereal, oatmeal, snacks, school supplies and other such frivolities. This morning I awoke with a clear head and a better perspective. I had passed an i-joy massage chair, a beautiful patio set, a side chair that would have perfectly complemented my living room, lamps, the i-joy massage chair (have to mention that one twice), frivolous art, and all those wonderful items I never get because I am too frugal to buy. I had free money an...

It's a Saturday morning. I am sitting at the table surrounded by dirty breakfast dishes and a nearly empty container of milk. There are clean clothes in the front room, shoes in a pile by the door. Our beds are unmade and the 4 year old pooped in his pull-ups. And so, here I sit at the computer, trying to do anything but clean. I could go to the grocery store but then I wonder if that means I have to put on a bra and wash off the smeared mascara from under my eyes. I even have a shopping list in front of me. It includes 8 new kinds of flour I think I might try. Anybody have any experience with celiac disease? I'm working on a Dr. Mom diagnosis. Speaking of moms, I sure wish my mom still cleaned the house. She was a strict mother. She made me clean my room and sometimes I even had to fold clothes. Those were the good old days.

Hi! My name is Nancy and I have no common sense. After working a full day, I loaded up the kids and we drove to the canyon where we hiked up to a cool hole in the mountain. We saw stalactites, stalagmites, and other crystals of calcite that have been forming for a few million years. The real treat, however, was gaining 1,000 feet elevation in 1.5 miles. I. Thought. I. Would. Die. Did I mention the sheer cliffs beckoning my children to fall or push one another off? Don't think they didn't try, either. I held a little four year old hand tightly all the way up and all the way down. Except when I was carrying him. My favorite part about the trip was our very own tour guide. In case you can't tell, the teenager is wearing the official shirt, hat, and carrying the supercool flashlight. All 3 miles up and down she had interesting information regarding the history and geology of the cave and surrounding area. At the entrance she turned into a BATS (Behind a Tour Specialist...

My parents share a cabin with my uncle in the high Uintah Mountains that we love to go to. This weekend we packed up and drove by way of Park City. In Park City before school is starting? Might as well go shopping at the outlet mall. We had a blast! By "we" I mean my daughters and I. My 4 year old son didn't mind it too much. My older son reluctantly tried on pants. The girls found all kinds of great stuff. Mr. Taylor was very patient At 9:00 p.m. the stores were closing and we still had a two hour drive plus a grocery store run before getting to the cabin. It was then the four year old said for the tenth time that his tummy hurt. Mr. Taylor asked me what I fed him for dinner. Me? I was quite certain he was in charge of dinner. What kind of parent forgets to feed a 4 year old boy? At 9:08 some of us were eating a second dinner. One of us was eating his first dinner. After a quick a stop at the grocery store we were within 15 minutes of the turn off to the di...

Is it just me or does this totally make anybody else hot and sweaty?

Recently there was a meteor shower and I was up. I grabbed some Oreos and tiptoed through the house and out the front door. I laid down and watched the show. It wasn't as spectacular as I had hoped. I laid there for 15 minutes and saw 2. I also remembered that I had missed an important personal tradition this year. July 4, 1991 - I had been living out of a backpack for a few weeks. My friend, Michelle, and I were traveling through Europe. We had a Eurail Pass, passport, and airplane tickets home. Besides that, we had no schedule. We had already visited four other countries and slept in hostels, seedy hotels, bed and breakfasts, trains, and train stations. It was an amazing time. We were completely drunk on our youth, good health and freedom. But we were also getting tired. Physically tired wasn't really the issue. We slept on trains and buses when we could. Mostly, though, we tried to stay awake and experience it all. I think it may have been a little bit of hom...

Kim and Cindy are mean and they are going to get my eyeballs out. Mom. Can I jump up. Can I get up you? Can I get in your club (he crawls between my arms). Hey, Mom, can you write between the lions? Can you write that? No, you. Mom, I was reading the news a long time then I 'cided to go to bed. It's probably still dark. I pinched you a little bit. I pinched Dad's cheek a little bit like this. Like that. If you do this it hurts to me. That's what Dad did but I pinched him a little bit next time. He's going to do this softly. He's going to pinch get used to this softly. Dad shares me with the stuff on my lips. It's loopstick. What is loopstick (chapstick). Mom, I'm going to tell dad, is that the stuff, loopstick? Tick, tick. Can I stay in your bed for all day tonight? Please Mom? Please, please, please, Mom, please. Please can I sleep in your bed for all night. My eyes are looking at a dream. I saw a clock talker. (Giggles). Write P...

March 2008 Today I barked. I don't know why. I did it for a long time. My people yelled at me. I think they like it so I barked some more. They opened my gate and I ran. I like to run. I ran far away. I looked at things. When I got home, my people were so happy to see me, they used raised voices. I like socks and shoes. I can make them into new shapes. Chewing makes me happy. April 2008 My favorite toy is called a "Ginger." It is fuzzy and likes to play with me. Today its sharp claw got stuck in my lower eyelid. Again. I had to wait for my people to remove it. Then I played with my toy again until it ran down the stairs. I don't like the stairs. They are scary. July 2008 My people talk about how I might be bored. They think that may be why I run away and bark. I don't know what bored means but I like to run and bark. August 2008 My people cooked chicken outside today. I like chicken. I ate two. Then my people saw me and took the rest inside. October 2008 My people...

Dear Sunday the dog, You are very, very stupid. Sometimes I loathe you. Sure, you have those endearing dark brown eyes that exude innocence but I'm not fooled. The big hairy boy may be, but I am not. You are stupid but diabolical. We felt sorry for you being in a dog run so we fenced in the backyard. Because you are so stupid, I will use small words so you can understand. This means we spent a lot of money on you. I wanted granite counter tops. That means really cool rocks in my kitchen. I got a fence because I thought you were a good dog. You found a hole and ran away. Stupid dog. We fixed the hole. You have then spent the past summer digging holes under the fence and running away. We have then put pavers around the fence so you can not escape. You then dug up a sprinkler pipe, and a hole under the pavers but couldn't get out. Then you dug up my carrots. That's when I knew you were diabolical. Because of you, I said bad words. I said them out loud and my ...

Saturday night I decided to go hang out with the old folks. When I say old folks, I mean the bald men, graying ladies, grandmas and grandpas. That's right folks, the 25 year class reunion! Do not, for one moment, assume that I BELONGED there, because I didn't. I was just crashing the party. I had nothing to say about my grandchildren or the price of college. I planned on capitalizing on the fact that I have a 4 year old. This, in my mind, makes me younger than all the rest. But then I ran into a couple of problems. The first problem occurred when I decided that I really wanted to see people from across the room but didn't want to wear glasses. I put in contacts. The problem is that then I had to hold my eye shadow at arm's length to see it before applying it. The next problem with my "I'm younger than you" story came when I inspected my face. Ah, the irony! 25 years ago I inspected my face for pimples. Today I inspect for maverick hairs. C'mon ladies o...

I have the E.Q. (Entertainment Quotient) of a 9 year old boy. So when my co-Cub Scout leader called to tell me she wanted to take the boys to a National Guard training site where we could watch a landing of both an Apache and Blackhawk helicopter, up close and personal, I was all over it. We arrived at a small grassy field, among a few groups of National Guard in training. The Blackhawk came in first and landed about 50 feet from us. The wind and noise it created was incredible. The Apache landed shortly thereafter. Once landed and secured, the boys were allowed to climb into the Blackhawk but not the Apache. Apparently, the Blackhawk is multi-function but the Apache is just for shooting up targets. Top Secret. Anyhoo, the pilot was invited to come and answer questions from the boys like what are those poky out things right there (static control), why are there blades on the back of the chopper (to stabilize it), where is the gas tank (behind the sliding door), and why is the horizonta...

Via facebook, I was invited to a casual get-together/reunion for those of us who attended a junior college in the 80's. I then e-mailed my best friend from college and invited her to be my date. It was a pot luck barbecue where spouses and children were also invited but, knowing two of my children, they'd be "bored" within 10 minutes and I couldn't, in good conscience, force my husband to endure a few hours with people he didn't know and play "remember when" without him. I'm saving that one for Saturday night and my high school class reunion. Heather had her children in her early 20's. She's nearly an empty nester and is doing all the things she didn't do and vacationing in all the places she didn't before she got married. She also drives a convertible sports car. Given the choice between that and my minivan, we opted for her sleek car. Once inside, we joined in the small talk. I started the question of so-what-do-you-do-nowada...

Door-to-door salespeople are an interesting breed. They seem to have a certain skill set that is very disarming. What they have in common: They start with a familiar knock or ringing of the doorbell. The kind that your sister would do to announce she's coming in anyway. So you answer it. They are looking away from the door when you answer it, wait a full 5 seconds, then act surprised when they see you. Did they forget who rang the doorbell or knocked on the door? They greet you like an intimate friend or relative. I've been called Mom, Beautiful, Enchantress, and HRH (Her Royal Highness). Actually, that last one I made up. I'm trying to train the kids to call me that. It hasn't taken as well as you'd think. They give a vague underdog story; black kid from the inner city, poor boy trying to raise money for a non-existent school program, black, single, and six kids, Isreali art student, and today's humdinger - poor Eastern European country. They are self-deprec...